REPORT TO PRESIDENT OBAMA
31 OCTOBER, 2010
First the good news, your approval ratings have jumped dramatically in the last two weeks. You are now at 15% approval which is your highest in the last eighteen months. Primarily, this is due to your decision to stay away from all press conferences that do not use teleprompters.
As you know, the restoration of the Fairness Doctrine has enabled us to better manage the information that is coming out about the various problems of the Administration. The New York Times is continuing to work with us on getting your message out to their 86 subscribers, who are behind you 100% of the time.
Unfortunately, we are having a harder time controlling the Internet and cable television. Your initiative to impose the Fairness Doctrine on Internet bloggers and comments has not been as successful, and in fact, has backfired terribly in that bloggers are using remote servers overseas where we are not able to enforce the law. We have had the FBI pull more agents off of counterterrorism actions to confront these scofflaws, but they seem to pop up at a rate of 10:1 as soon as we arrest anyone.
Jamming continues against Rush Limbaugh’s pirate ships that are broadcasting from offshore and Mexico, but your restrictions on only using alternative energy reduce their ability to jam his signals to just a few yards from the antennae. He is continuing to ignore your message of Hope, in spite of the law mandating that everyone have hope no matter how dire their personal situation is. His audience seems to be mostly amused by his suggestion that people should hope in one hand and defecate in the other, and see which fills up faster.
Your communications director, Keith Olbermann continues to provide the press with the Administration’s message from his position as head of NBC News, but their viewers seem to overlap with that of the New York Times, and we are having a difficult time with the other 310 million voters.
Senator Clinton continues her investigations of your Administration in her role as Chairman of the Senate and does not seem to be slowing down. She is now investigating if her proposed nomination to the Supreme Court is just an effort by you to derail her investigations and her already underway campaign to replace you in 2012. We have our operatives working on the matter, but they are unable to get through the barricade of women voters who are now saying “We told you so!”
The financial markets continue to plummet as your phased in increases of the capital gains tax are set for all gains after January 1st of 2003. The Supreme Court has upheld the retroactivity of the tax in this case thanks to your appointment of Barbara Streisand who has tipped the balance of power there. It seems most of the Justices would rather kill themselves than have to deal with her legal reasoning, thereby resulting in the recent spate of 1-0 rulings from the Court. Not to mention the pictures we have of Justice Kennedy with that sheep that he is not married to. We have instructed the Senate Banking and Finance chairs to begin investigation of market manipulations, but to be truthful, we could only leave a message on their answering machines since they refuse to take our calls.
Internationally, our emissaries continue to seek out anyone from the former terrorist group Al Qaeda to apologize for putting Boston in the path of their nuclear weapon. We are also having trouble with Russia, in that Tzar Putin is rejecting our message of hope and understanding. It seems he may be trying to mislead us as he continues mop up operations against Ukraine and the Baltic states. We have been assured that any images showing the destruction of the cities in those countries are just photoshopped and not really indicative of what is happening on the ground.
Europe continues to reject your offers to mediate their desire to surrender to Tsar Putin, and this has been disappointing. It is our analysis that the Tsar may have bitten off more than he can chew as it seems that Al Qaeda appears to have declared war on the Russians as the infidels, thereby reducing any threats to our nation, except for San Francisco, which our scientists estimate will be able to be reoccupied in about 250 years if the anthrax eradication continues on schedule. Al Qaeda operations have continued against the Russian occupied cities of Prague, Vienna and Rome. We are having a difficult time getting reliable information from those areas due to the residual high levels of radioactivity. Our scientists continue to investigate if that radioactivity can be used as an alternative source of energy since it is in such abundant supply at the moment.
There is good news though in Korea, where Kim Jong Il has declared peace after the successful elimination of all resistance in Seoul. With the surrender of the Republic of Korea, our emissaries are now negotiating with those of the People’s Republic so that you can have a face to face meeting with the Beloved Leader and negotiate his use of the trademarked word “Change” in violation of international intellectual property rights laws.
Politically, we have not seen the benefits of a filibuster proof majority in the Senate. It seems that every Democratic Senator has decided that if you could become President, that they are all immensely more qualified than you and are also running for President. All except for Senator Schumer who seems to be running for the position of God. He believes that is his appropriate pay grade, since no one else has it.
Your staff wants you to know that we will continue to promote your message of Hope and Change as the solution to all of the Nation’s problems. However, if you could, a few specifics would be greatly helpful. Not that we doubt your sincerity that Hope and Change will work, but we lack your intellectual firepower to figure out how to implement it.
In summary, we are eagerly awaiting the November elections where it is expected that the Republicans will retake majorities in both houses of Congress. At that time we will implement your proposed strategy of blaming them for everything once again.
The future never looked brighter Sir.